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This Editorial Misses the Democratic Convention |
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Written by Chad Messer
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Sunday, 31 August 2008 |
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 The Democratic National Convention ended on Thursday, and it completely recharged my political batters, as I’m sure it did for millions of Democrats across this great land. As a result, I wanted to start a 2 part editorial describing the reasons that I am a Democrat and not a Republican (at least, not anymore). It won’t be mean-spirited and will be based on more than partisan vitriol. I’m going to make as fair a case as I can.
I am a Democrat because I believe that the Government should be there to help people get up when they fall, and take care of them when they are disabled and old.
I am a Democrat because I believe that America is made stronger when the middle class is thriving, not getting buried under the weight of the extremely wealthy. Trickle-Down theory only applies when someone is peeing on your head. It does not work in economics.
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Rich Honkys Step Up in Tiger Woods’ Absence |
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Written by Chad Messer
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Thursday, 14 August 2008 |
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 With the recent announcement that golfing superstar Tiger Woods would be skipping the remainder of the PGA Tour season due to an injury, the sports world wondered what would happen when television ratings and advertising revenues dried up. With the most popular athlete in the world stepping away, who would carry the banner of professional golf? Have no fear, because help is on the way. An army of rich honkys stands poised to fight for the glory of the game.
On golf courses all across the country, white, almost translucent men are hitting the links, all hoping to carry the game of golf into the 19th, I mean 21st Century.
“That ebony whippersnapper is yesterday’s news,” claimed 130 year old newspaper magnate W. Wilson Devonshire. “I’ve got endorsement deals with Depends and Cialis, not to mention the fact that I am one dead sexy mummy. By the time this tide of old white gentry finishes flushing out the PGA, no one will ever remember the name of Tiger Woods. Plus, we’ll have his kind banned from all out golf courses, anyway. Huzzah!”
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This Editorial Blocks the Vote |
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Written by Chad Messer
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Sunday, 10 August 2008 |
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 This was one of those days when I was all set to do one particular editorial, and then someone comes along and changes my topic like a thunderclap. The things that this person said were so stupid, so ignorant, that an editorial demanded to be written, if only so that I can go to sleep at night. Without going into boring (and partisan) details, here’s the thesis statement:
If you are too stupid or lazy to do a little homework about political candidates, if the only national news that you get comes from a talking head pundit of either political persuasion, if you believe every meaningless thing that said talking heads tell you to read on the internet, you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Ever. Here’s how it would work in a perfect society. On Election Day(which would be a federal holiday the scope of Christmas, with only the most essential stores open for business), you would step into your polling place and be escorted to a desk. While at that desk you would take two tests. The first test would be a small current events test. It would ask simple multiple-choice questions about what is going on both in your community and your world.
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US Megachurches Worship New MegaJesus |
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Written by Chad Messer
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Thursday, 07 August 2008 |
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 He’s 100 feet tall. He has super strength and can leap a tall steeple in a single bound. He’s MegaaJesus, and he’s here to kick Old Scratch back into the abyss. MegaJesus is the brainchild of celebrity pastors Joel Osteen, Rick Warren, TD Jakes, Joyce Meyer and John Hagee. In a rare effort to consolidate the power of disparate American Protestant megachurches, the 5 preachers decided to build a 100 foot tall robot that will fight crime and be the focal point of a new streamlined American religion. “Our world is going to Hell in the proverbial handbasket,” said Joel Osteen, pastor at the 40,000 member Lakewood Church, “and it is high time that we band together and fight Satanism, Liberalism, and Non-Replublicanism. What better way to do that than with a giant robot?” The two-story stigmatamaton, for lack of a better term, is comprised of five smaller robots, each piloted by one of the five celebrity pastors. Warren, Jakes, Meyers and Hagee each pilot robots that resemble Matthew, Mark, Luke and John respectively, and these become the arms and legs of the larger construct. Joel Osteen pilots a giant robotic dove that transforms into the torso and head.
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