Blonde White Girl Missing

Written by Derrick Long

Monday, 09 June 2008

Atlanta, Georgia – An all-points bulletin was released by authorities a few hours ago when it became known that a local girl, both blonde and white, has been missing for eight hours.

“We've already alerted all the news outlets and television affiliates,” says Chief Barry Clyne of the Metro Police. “Word has it that Nancy Grace herself will be here within the hour.”

The girl was last seen by her parents as they saw her off to work this morning. “I blew her a kiss and watched as she walked out the door to go to work,” her mother told C-N-N. “Now my baby girl has been gone for eight hours and my world has ended.”

Statistics show that while all kinds of children go missing in the U.S. Every day, blonde white girls are 1500% more likely to bring in huge television ratings, with the searches most often lasting into the television “sweeps” period. This is the reason that television pioneer and otherwise shrill, unrepentant harpy Nancy Grace is expected to soon arrive on the scene.

“That woman sure does have a mad-on for some missing white girls,” says Clyne, leaning back in a chair to have hair and makeup people prepare him for TV. “I hear she has even talked search parties in other states into breaking off their searches for missing black and Latino kids. Nancy Grace is flying in on her broom, and she's bringing the cavalry!”

But will the help come too late? The missing girl's parents sit on their sofa, the sorrow wafting off of them in waves. Just eight hours ago, their little baby girl walked out the door, heading to work. Now, her fate is in the needly talons of one shrill media whore and a thousand searchers, all living vicariously through one family's terror.

Will the missing white girl be found, and will the search bring in some healthy ratings? Only time will tell.

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