CDC Says it’s Hazardous to Breathe

Written by Bryan Hackney

Monday, 04 August 2008

Today the Center for Disease Control added a new item to their ever growing list of things that will kill us. Recently, it was reported that hot dogs, or any processed meat, can cause cancer. Before that, we were warned that our cell phones can cause cancer faster than cigarettes. Today, it’s the air we breathe.

“We have been testing the air for years,” said Dr. Carlton Hamilton, director of the CDC Cancer and Death Division. “Our tests have shown that each breath we take is the equivalent of half a pack of cigarettes. By our calculations, the whole world will have cancer in a matter of years.”

Scientists have studied the harmful effects of pollution on our air for many years. They have been gun-shy about announcing their findings to the general population out of fear of widespread panic. While this news is disturbing, the CDC has compiled a list of preventative measures we can take to help ward of the danger. “There are many things that can be done to avoid breathing in the carcinogen filled air,” said Hamilton. “First, we feel that humans, on average, breathe much more than they need to. Carcinogen intake can be reduced tremendously by taking fewer breaths. There is a bit of lightheadedness that comes with this approach but it works. The next measure being taken by some of our staff is oxygen masks. The only problem with this approach is tanks can be heavy and highly flammable. Some extremists have taken to living in a bubble, kind of like that Travolta movie, you know, ‘The Boy in the Bubble,’ or something like that.”

Hamilton warns that if the world progresses in its current manner, our air will be completely unbreathable within fifteen years. Reports indicate that the elderly, children and fat people are at the highest risk as they have to breathe more to perform basic tasks.

There are no current plans to correct this problem. Instead, the CDC is focusing more on advanced breathing apparatuses that they can peddle to the general population at a generous profit. The hope is that even though they can’t cure it, they can help us live an antiseptic life.

“If we can develop pods big enough to sustain cities then we can filter the air the way we currently filter water,” said Hamilton. “That’s where the real money is.”

While we abhor the greedy nature of those that have given up on us, we are also scared shitless, which is why we’ll be purchasing all the cheap drivel they develop.

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