Children Returned To Polygamist Compound

Written by Chad Messer

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

SpongeBob Squarepants New Dad Texas – As per a court order issued last week, the children involved in the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints) polygamy scandal are being returned to the compound that they, until recently, called home. There is a catch though. Due to the fact that the group's leader, the disgraced Warren Jeffs, is currently serving a prison sentence, the children are being allowed to choose a new father.

“It is common knowledge that a child has a much better chance to succeed in life if they have two parents, a mother and a father,” said Susan DeLeo, the child-psychologist responsible for the father-choosing experiment. “We thought that since there was no father figure present at the FLDS compound, that it was only fair that the choice rested with the children.”

In a turn of events that should have surprised absolutely no one, the leading request for new father was Superman, followed closely by SpongeBob SquarePants.

“I suppose we should have seen something like this coming,” said DeLeo. “Especially since these kids have been watching TV and reading comic books for the first time in their lives since they have been in state custody.”

Some of the older children were a bit more practical about their choices, with popular candidates including Brad Pitt, Tiger Woods, and Peyton Manning. Since these selections are legally binding, a lot of wealthy celebrities now have children. In the cases of many popular athletes, it's just one more illegitimate child that they know nothing about.

“We are in the process of serving the proper documents to all of the new fathers, whether they are in Hollywood, the Batcave or Bikini Bottom,” said local Sheriff James Crisp. “The only person we were forbidden to contact was Ellen DeGeneres. One little boy requested her because he wanted to have two mommies, and he was immediately stoned to death and buried behind the chapel. Aren't religious differences just the funniest?”

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