City to House Homeless in Storage Units

Written by Bryan Hackney

Sunday, 29 June 2008

Baltimore, MD – The growing number of homeless in Baltimore has many citizens concerned about their safety. The streets are crowded, building steps are covered and a record number of “will work for food” signs are on display to passersby.

Heavy pressure from the populace has fueled extreme measures from Mayor Sheila Dixon. Since ignoring this growing problem is no longer an option, several new measures handed down from the Mayor’s office will go into effect as soon as next week.

“The first thing we have to combat is rounding them up,” states Mayor Dixon. “Herding people is much harder than herding cattle. We can’t just hog tie them and throw them onto the back of a truck. We have to walk on moccasins for this one. One wrong move and my re-election is dead.”

Once local law enforcement rounds up the city’s vagrants, they plan to house them in various climate controlled storage units throughout the city. While the cost of this endeavor will be significant, Mayor Dixon feels it is a necessary evil to overcome an even larger evil.

“Providing our taxpaying citizens with a renewed since of security will outweigh the minor tax increase that inevitably comes with this type of groundbreaking initiative,” states Mayor Dixon.

Officials plan to use the climate controlled storage units as a makeshift homeless prison. Occupants will be locked in their perspective pen during what officials refer to as “prime drinking hours.” The hope is that this will curtail fights and public nudity.

Each occupant will be equipped with a GPS tracking device so officials will be aware of their every movement. A curfew will be under effect for these transient souls and each will receive a 40oz. Old English for returning to housing under their own volition.

“We are in love with the GPS tracking method,” states Mayor Dixon. “Truthfully, I got the idea while watching the Discovery Channel. I thought, if they can track wild animals with those, we can track the homeless.”

While many local citizens we spoke with felt this new initiative is degrading and completely tramples the idea of human rights, the mayor disagrees.

“The way I see it, out of sight, out of mind,” said Mayor Dixon. “Once they are securely tucked away, the general public will thank me.”

Comments

Add New