Democratic Primary Over?

Written by Chad Messer

Monday, 09 June 2008

After what seemed like a solid decade of campaigning, the Democratic Party thought it finally had it's presidential nominee, and that President of the World man was Barack Obama. Obama was pushed over the top in the delegate battle by gaining his share of pledged delegates from last-day contests in Montana and South Dakota, as well as a flood of superdelegates making themselves known on the last day of the campaign. It was supposed to be the triumphant end of a very long process for Obama, but Senator Hillary Clinton has other plans.

“I want to congratulate Senator Obama on his victory,” intoned Senator Hillary Clinton in front of a packed house of middle-aged white women and undereducated white men at the Sioux Falls VFW. “And I look forward to the next round of primaries and the vigorous debate that we are sure to have.”

You see, Senator Clinton is not giving up the fight. Her campaign is gearing up to travel to Canada to set up impromptu primaries in the provinces. “We are going to take the fight to the Great White North next,” Senator Clinton told her fiercely loyal and somewhat dumbfounded supporters. “Since the Presidency of the United States is the most powerful job in the world, we're going to hold primaries in all four corners of the world. I can't wait to continue our debate in every country on the map! By this time next year, we will know the will of the people. All the people. And if that doesn't work, we're taking this to Mars!”

“I can't believe that asshole!” Senator Obama said, somehow still sounding dignified and above the fray. “If I weren't a gentleman, I might give her a stern talking-to. But the fact of the matter is that nobody is going to take me seriously until I slay that dragon. On to Ottowa!”

Asked if her plan for a worldwide primary lasting through next year wouldn't guarantee that John McCain would win the general election since Obama couldn't campaign against his Republican rival here at home, Senator Clinton smiled. Then membranes flared open on the sides of her neck and she spit deadly corrosive poison in the reporter's face.

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