Former Senator Jesse Helms Dead, Takes Place at Satan’s Right Hand

Written by Chad Messer

Tuesday, 08 July 2008

Former Senator Jesse Helms Dead, Takes Place at Satan’s Right Hand

Raleigh, NC – The flag-draped casket at the head of Hayes-Barton Baptist church contains the earthly remains of former Senator Jesse Helms, the conservative icon who defined a generation of Republican politics. Here is a man that opposed civil rights, ran for the Presidency on a segregationist ticket, fought against a holiday remembering the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, and generally did all he could do to vehemently oppose the United Nations, the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, affirmative action, the National Endowment for the Arts, and any type of gay rights.

All this history can’t disguise the fact that the only part of Jesse Helms that remains on this earthly plane is the bloated, racist, bigoted, hate-filled corpse of the man who singlehandedly made most of the nation despise North Carolinians for the last 30 years.

“Make no mistake, we’re driving a stake in his heart and stuffing a clove of garlic in his mouth to make sure that son of a bitch never comes back,” said prominent North Carolina democrat J.T. Moore. “With all the evil that Senator Helms represented during his life, it would not surprise me to find Satan bringing him back to life as some sort of unholy vampire slash zombie to feast on the flesh of the living.” Such precautions aside, it has been made clear by none other than the Dark Lord Beelzebub himself that he has no plans to raise Helms from the dead to some sick parody of life, because the former Senator is desperately needed in Hell.

“We are having some administrative troubles,” said Jeffrey Dahmer, now serving as Satan’s press agent. “We really could use someone with Jesse Helms’ hamfisted political acumen. Some of the, how do I say this delicately, darker elements of Hell’s population are getting a bit uppity, and Senator Helms is the perfect person to help us get them back in line.”

The man who never lost a Senate campaign, but never won by more than a few percentage points due to his divisive nature, is poised to become an extremely popular figure for the first time in his life.

“Senator Helms is already a legend in Hell,” Dahmer says, visibly excited and possibly a little starstruc k. “No one person has done more in the modern era of human history since Hitler to further Satan’s nefarious agenda. Sure, some have killed more people, some have committed worse atrocities, but as a complete package, Helms stood on his own. We’re going to receive him with open arms!”

North Carolina democrats are glad to see him go. “Jesse Helms has been the dingleberry staining North Carolina’s taint since he was ejected from his mother’s vile womb,” Moore concluded. “We can all breathe a sigh of relief now that he has been wiped clean away.”

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