God Punishes Heartland Because Of Gay Marriage

Written by Chad Messer

Thursday, 10 July 2008

God Punishes Heartland Because Of Gay Marriage In a shocking turn of events, the recent devastation of the heartland of the United States by floods and tornadoes was revealed to be divine retribution, according to a press release sent from on High Archangel Mithrael, personal assistant of Almighty God.

The press release reads as follows:

Dear Worshippers and Sycophants,

It has come to the Godhead’s attention that a bill that permits the holy union of same-sex couples has been passed in the state of California, and that other states are sure to soon follow suit. While the Holy Trinity realizes that this is a sensitive subject for a lot of Christians, they wanted to make sure that the official Godly opinion on the matter was crystal-clear.

Many of Christ’s most colorful (if self-appointed) mouthpieces blamed the annihilation of New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina on Divine retribution for a planned Gay Pride parade, those people are dicks, and they are wrong. New Orleans was destroyed because it smelled like cat piss and vomit.
The destruction of the “BibleBelt”, on the other hand, is due to you guys being douchebags who think that they speak for God when they won’t let two lads or two ladies get married. In simple terms, God likes the gays just as much as he likes the straights. End of story.
While the Trinity understands that a lot of people who got hurt by the flooding were actually good people who mind their own business most of the time, it’s really hard to flood just one street or one house at a time. This flood deal has only been tried once before, so it’s pretty amazing that it was as localized as it was. We apologize to the innocents for the inconvenience, and we’ll see the guilty in Hell.

Yours truly,

Archangel Mithrael, God’s personal assistant

This news surely comes as a shock to Middle America, who thought that they had it right when shouting that God hated all the muffmunchers and marys in the world because of their “sin”.

“Turns out God’s a pretty cool guy so long as you mind your business and be good to other people,” said the Reverend Billy Graham in his only official statement on the matter. “I guess most Christians will be OK, but a lot of us better be sure to go out and get a lifejacket or canoe, because the water is rising.”

Comments

Add New