John McCain to Star in “The Mummy 4 (Working Title)”

Written by Bryan Hackney

Monday, 14 July 2008

With the recent buzz surrounding “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”, Universal Studios is looking towards the future of this once dead franchise. The idea for the next iteration is to move in a new, somewhat political direction.

“The excitement around ‘The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor’ caught us off guard. After the disappointment that was ‘The Mummy Returns’, we thought no one would pay attention,” said Trevor Phillips, Universal Studios’ current talking head. “This has our wheels spinning and we are considering a fourth installment, though nothing is official at this time.”

The word around the water cooler is that Universal Studios is extremely interested in Presidential candidate John McCain for the role of the mummy. The likelihood of him winning the presidential election is slim and Universal Studios is banking on him needing alternative employment after his presidential spanking. “If there is to be a fourth installment, and I am not stating there is, we could see an American mummy this time around,” said Phillips. “An American mummy is something that has never been explored. This is why someone like John McCain would be ideal, though I am not confirming anything.”

Creating an American mummy would be virtually impossible because mummification never existed in America. However, John McCain could overcome that hurdle as he is old and dusty, kind of like a mummy. Many feel that he is death resurrected, which is the basic premise of all “The Mummy” movies.

“The audience would also have the added bonus of seeing McCain slain by, presumably, Brendan Frasier,” said Phillips. “We feel that this alone will be a huge selling point, sort of like Paris Hilton dying in ‘House of Wax, ’which was the only good part of that film.”

While the jury is still out on the newest installment of “The Mummy,” we are already anticipating the theoretical fourth chapter. The hope is that his, McCain’s, death will be slow and gruesome, which would be completely awesome, and if they could work in a mummy triumvirate of McCain, Bush and Cheney we would be orgasmic with anticipation. There is no one that I know who would not pay to see Brendan Frasier slay these horrible beasts.

While there is no official word on whether or not this fantastic concept has been approved, it is interesting enough to keep us glued to our monitors in anticipation. Here’s to hoping Universal Studios green lights this.

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