Midgets Lament on the 4th of July

Written by Bryan Hackney

Sunday, 06 July 2008

Funny News Story Columbia SC – Everyone celebrates the 4th of July in their own way and for most it is a day of celebration and jubilation. Some, however, take things to the extreme. This is true of two young men and their vertically challenged friend who wanted a 4th they would never forget.

The idea was simple, strap a midget to a bundle of homemade bottle rockets light them and watch the hilarity. Like many great ideas, this one was extremely flawed and resulted in the death of Thomas Turner, the midget in question.

“I don’t know what they were thinking,” said Deputy Carl Carlton, “tying a midget to what was the equivalent of five pipe bombs is the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”

The intended result would have seen a small man rising a few feet off the ground. The actual result was an explosion and body parts raining from the sky. When police arrived on scene, the two alleged “morons” were wide eyed and covered in blood. One was reported as saying “dude did you see that?”

While this is being written off as a horrible accident, the two suspects face various weapons violations charges for the constructed pipe bombs and the more serious charge of manslaughter.

“This is definitely a 4th I’ll remember,” said Deputy Carlton. “I’ve never seen a blown up midget before. Who would’ve thought such a small little man could make that big a mess?”

Turner’s exploded carcass showered the houses surrounding the blast zone and induced neighborhood wide vomiting.

The suspects are being held without bail until the investigation is complete.

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