Military Testing New Insult Gun

Written by Bryan Hackney

Monday, 23 June 2008

New Military Tactic In today’s digitally connected world filled with constant streaming media, it has become increasingly difficult for the military to kill those that we are at war with. Reports of innocents being gunned down fill our televisions on a daily basis. As the general public does not accept the explanation that it is difficult to fight an army that wears no uniform, the military has decided to explore less fatal means of combat.

The newly announced Insult gun is spearheading this initiative. This new weapon is the size of your standard M-16 but instead of a barrel it is equipped with an oversized megaphone.

"The purpose of the Insult Gun is to tear down the enemy’s self-esteem,” said General Harrison. “The hope is that they will become so depressed they will stop blowing shit up.”

While many military officials have deemed this “the most ridiculous contraption ever invented,” it is seen as a necessary progression. “The days of obliterating the opposition are beyond us,” said Harrison. “This is a new man’s military and it demands new tactics.”

The Insult Gun comes equipped with 100 preset insults such as, “your mother’s a dirty whore, fatty fatty pizza face and Allah hates you.” Also, it allows for 100 unique recordings. Soldiers will be able to tailor their insults to their liking. This will allow for more personalized engagements.

“The beauty of this feature is that soldiers will feel like they are more personally involved in the conflict,” said Harrison. “We will tear down enemy moral while building our own.”

The first battery of tests is being conducted at various high schools around the US. Studies indicate those that we are fighting have the mentality of a petulant high school adolescent. Military officials believe that testing in high schools will paint an accurate picture of the reaction they will receive during battle.

One problem has arisen during the ongoing testing phase. Apparently, the average high school student already has low self-esteem. Several suicides have been attributed to the testing phase. One such student left a note stating “I am a fatty fatty pizza face.”

“Sure, there have been some setbacks,” said Harrison. “That’s why we call it testing. You have to work out the bugs. In hindsight, testing on nerdy high school adolescents might not have been the best idea. This is war, and in war there will be casualties.”
Military officials hope to have the testing faze finished within the next three months. If all goes according to plan, the Insult Gun could see action by the end of this year.

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