New Revelations From Scott McClellan's Book "What Happened"

Written by Chad Messer

Monday, 02 June 2008

Scott McClelland's The new tell-all memoir by Scott McClellan, President Bush's former Press Secretary, has turned the political world on its' ear with the admissions of incompetency, buffoonery, and general biblical-style evil that has been coming from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for the last 7+ years. Republicans are stamping their cloven hooves and shouting till the point of suffocation about what a judas McClellan is, and how surprised and hurt they are.

Democrats are tripping over themselves to be the first to pat him on the back, and to be the first in line to pitch him over the cliff as soon as the news cycle is over. What both are failing to notice, however, are some of the hidden gems of information that are emerging from the book upon closer inspection. Here now is a list of the most shocking and awesome revelations in Scott McClellan's “What Happened”.

President Bush always greets foreign dignitaries with a firm handshake and a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake.
Bush's favorite song is the sound of his balls slapping against Bill O'Reilly's taint.
The President has nicknames for all of his friends and allies. For example, Karl Rove was “Turd Blossom”, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was (and I kid you not) “Speedy”, Russian President (now Prime Minister)Vladimir Putin was “Pootie-Poot”, and fiction author Ann Coulter was “That Useless Bitch with the Low-Slingin' Ta'Ta's”.
When Bush was aboard Marine One, he demanded that all on board refer to him as “Cap'n Whirlybird” as he looked out the window, fingers posing as guns, shooting at houses on the ground.
The President's favorite book? Strangely enough, “The Bridges of Madison County” by Robert James Waller.
Bush's favorite movie? Granny Tranny Gang Bang.
On Colin Powell's last day in office as Secretary of State, he was treated to a Tijuana Donkey Show in the Oval Office. Condoleeza Rice played the role of the donkey.
McClellan places his most damning charges against President Bush within the first 10 pages of the book, because Bush has yet to make it to page eleven of any book without Superman on the cover.
President Bush sleeps in footie pajamas, while the first lady sleeps in the nude, same as Barbara did.
It has been 7 years since the White House laundry service washed sheets. They just take them to the pile of books in the Rose Garden and burn them there.
President Bush cries himself to sleep every night thinking about all of the suffering of families of the brave soldiers who have died in Iraq and Afghanistan.
That last one was a lie. It gives him a boner and he gets off to other people's pain and suffering. It's a holdover from his Yale Skull and Bones days.