Obama Supporters Beleive in Hope, Unicorns

Written by Chad Messer

Friday, 18 July 2008

Obama Supporters Beleive in Hope, Unicorns This election year, all of the usual voting blocs are already spoken for by one candidate or the other. Evangelical Christians are pretty much guaranteed to vote Republican, so John McCain is their choice. The same goes for social conservatives, the filthy rich, and anyone who owns a Toby Keith album. Barack Obama can count on the support of suburban soccer moms, African-Americans, people who either give or receive abortions, and anyone who has ever willingly diddled someone of the same sex.

It seems, though, that one group of voters that has heretofore always voted Republican might be up for grabs: the painfully gullible.

One cannot deny the power and grace of Senator Obama’s rhetoric, just as one cannot deny the cultish devotion of some of his supporters. If he says that he wants universal healthcare, then they do, too. If he says that we should withdraw from Iraq, then that is what the supporters immediately demand. These voters are an empty vessel waiting to be filled up by their great ebony prophet.

Over this past weekend, however, this faith was put to the test as Senator Obama stated that he was going to start riding a unicorn to each subsequent campaign stop. Up till this point, not one of the people in the audience believed in the mythical great horned steed. After the speech, none of them doubted its existence.

“I can’t wait to see a unicorn for myself,” said Timothy Huff, a registered Independent and new Obama recruit. “I am a college-educated accountant, but if Senator Obama told me that the sky was red, I wouldn’t doubt it for a second. That man speaks nothing but the truth.”

“Pretty soon we will all be riding unicorns through streets that are paved with gold,” said Stephanie Lavine, newly minted Obama supporter. “Senator Obama has not only given me a practical hope that I can use to accomplish my goals, but he has given me a scary, irrational hope that words alone can change the very fabric of the universe.”
Though we will not know until Election Day if Barack Obama can convince enough freaks and weirdoes to place all their hopes in his magic words, one thing is certain: the Republicans are glad to have some of the naïve nutcases off their hands for a change.

“Usually, we get all of the irrational zombie nutbirds in the election because Republicans are lazy thinkers by nature,” said Jane Velez, local McCain precinct chair. “But this time there’s enough intellectual laziness to go around. It will be a close race so long as both sides continue to talk about the nation’s problems instead of actually trying to fix them.”

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