Population of Hershey, Pa. Gets Nestle Squirts

Written by Chad Messer

Tuesday, 01 July 2008

Hershey, PA – The streets are quiet at this hour, all of the men, women and children huddled in their homes, close to the bathroom. The rides at nearby Hershey Park are dark, and all of the vacationers have been sent away, so that they don’t become sick, as well. You see, the residents of Hershey, Pennsylvania, home of the world-famous Hershey chocolate empire, has come down with a case of dysentery. The residents are calling it ‘the Nestle squirts.’

“We are a close community that takes great pride in the Hershey brand,” said mayor Tom Flowers through his closed restroom door. “It has been an embarrassment that Hershey name has become synonymous with explosive diarrhea. We welcome this opportunity to spread the wealth, and give those Swiss pricks at Nestle a little bit of what we have been going through for the last 50 years.”

Though there has been no official cause discovered for the mass bowel evacuation, local authorities have indicated that the likely culprit is a food-borne virus.

“Maybe a dead squirrel landed in the chocolate vats, or something,” said Gene Swindon owner of the local dry-cleaning service, where people have been dropping off poo-stained clothes for days. “Although I wouldn’t put it past the Swiss Misses to try and take us out. It could be Scandinavian Al-Qaeda.”

When asked for an official statement, Nestle responded by saying that “while it is unfortunate that the American competition can’t hold down their Apfelküchlein, this in no case was industrial sabotage, as they are quick to claim. While the streets in Hershey might be running brown with caca, you can rest assured that Nestle products will leave you with silky, luxurious solid poops.”

No one can tell exactly when this plague will leave the proud Pennsylvania town, but one can rest assured that the Hershey citizens will not remain resting on their porcelain laurels for too much longer.

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