Rich Honkys Step Up in Tiger Woods’ Absence

Written by Chad Messer

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Rich Honkys Step Up in Tiger Woods’ Absence With the recent announcement that golfing superstar Tiger Woods would be skipping the remainder of the PGA Tour season due to an injury, the sports world wondered what would happen when television ratings and advertising revenues dried up. With the most popular athlete in the world stepping away, who would carry the banner of professional golf?

Have no fear, because help is on the way. An army of rich honkys stands poised to fight for the glory of the game.

On golf courses all across the country, white, almost translucent men are hitting the links, all hoping to carry the game of golf into the 19th, I mean 21st Century.

“That ebony whippersnapper is yesterday’s news,” claimed 130 year old newspaper magnate W. Wilson Devonshire. “I’ve got endorsement deals with Depends and Cialis, not to mention the fact that I am one dead sexy mummy. By the time this tide of old white gentry finishes flushing out the PGA, no one will ever remember the name of Tiger Woods. Plus, we’ll have his kind banned from all out golf courses, anyway. Huzzah!”

The consensus opinion is that the game of professional golf entered what may be considered a second golden age when Tiger Woods went pro, because his spectacular play elevated the game of his rivals and his multi-ethnic appeal led to record-high television ratings. Some of the rich white honkys disagree.

“Second golden age, my bespectacled eye. Name one thing that young Master Woods has that we don’t,” said H. Wellington Rockefeller, lighting his cigar with a $100 dollar bill. “He has youth, but we have experience. He has sex appeal, we have our little purple pecker pills. He’s an African-American with a great driver. We all have African-Americans as our drivers. The PGA Tour is in good hands. Good alabaster hands.”

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