Sexless In Seattle Listens To Erotic Podcast

Written by Chad Messer

Monday, 21 July 2008

Seattle, Wash. – This story is true because sometimes you cannot make this shit up. In all honesty, I made some of it up. The part about the hate mail is true, and Libidacoria is an actual podcast (and book, available at fine retailers everywhere !). The “K” who is mentioned in this article is Kristie LeVangie, an author and poet from Ohio.

This is a story about a woman in Seattle, Washington. Her name is Barbara. She likes to play on her computer, reading right-wing blogs and looking up suggestive pictures of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity. She imagines what they would look like if they loosened their ties a little bit. And their belts. And their slacks. Barbara, being the middle aged red blooded American hausfrau that she is, begins to get worked up a little. She feels funny down in her no-no place. Her chastity belt starts to itch just a little bit.

What is a fine Christian woman to do in such an instance? Why, same as anyone else! Listen to an erotic podcast! That’s right, Barbara found her way over to the Libidacoria website where a nice woman named “K” pretty much proceeded to rock her world (and maybe groin). You see, Libidacoria is a place where “K” tells you stories about her erotic journey through life. It’s like the last ten minutes of a Sex and the City episode, except that it doesn’t suck and it doesn’t set the cause of women’s liberation back fifty years. “K” details her exploits trying to maybe find love, but definitely to find awesome sex. She pulls no punches, and she makes it clear what you are getting yourself into when you visit the site. Then she gives you an erotic poem for dessert.

Barbara isn’t sure that she should proceed, but the unquenched longing burning in her taint tells her to go on. Ignoring all of the obvious signs that this isn’t the same kind of women’s’ literature that her mother grew up with, she listens. She is turned on. The dirty words and dirtier sex that she hears about through her headphones make her fingers do the walking down to the waistband of her granny panties. Awkward Republic hilarity ensues.

After her face-rocking solo session, Barbara starts to feel guilty. She feels that the creepy Jesus that she believes in watched her escapade, and shed a solitary tear which trickled down his masculine jaw line, coming to rest in the wiry mass of his chestnut beard. She imagines a whole slew of kittens just got killed for her dirtiness. She was a dirty birdie, but not because she is a sexually repressed nutjob, but because she was tempted by evil.

So, after toughly wiping her hands, she types out an e-mail to “K”, telling her that Libidacoria is “a prime example of the moral decay in our society” as well as “a prime example of why the government should monitor the crap put out on the internet”. Barbara just became a prime example of an asshole.

One has to assume that Barbara didn’t stumble into an erotic podcast by accident, because that stuff never happens, because it would be awesome. No, she had to seek Libidacoria out. One also has to assume that Barbara didn’t just listen to one part of one podcast. I would bet you cash money that Barbara listened to one podcast all the way through, and a few others to boot.

In her repression she felt guilty about ringing her own bell and blamed someone else because she felt dirty. “K” could care less what Barbara thinks and told her off on the podcast. The end.

If you are interested in what got Barbara’s puritanical knickers all a-twitter, head on over to “K’s” podcast and listen for yourself. If you like what you hear, buy her book. If you don’t like what you hear, close your web browser and go and do something that you will enjoy, so long as it doesn’t involve you going out of your way to be offended by something that you could have stopped at any time. Grow up, Barbara. Rock on, “K”.

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