This Editorial Makes My Womb Hurt

Written by Chad Messer

Friday, 06 June 2008

Satirical Commentary Women in this country can kiss my ass. No, wait. Let me rephrase that. Famous women in this country can kiss my ass. I know that even with that change in syntax that statement can come across as chauvinistic and indefensible, but give me a few minutes of your time and I'll lay out the case and you'll be in the realm of the convinced. Here are a few examples of how it is harder to be a woman now than any other time in American history. Defend these chicas if you can.

Offender #1 – Paris Hilton. I know, I know. You think I'm going to be beating a dead horse with this one. Or at least a horse-face. Let me assure you, though, that Ms. Hilton's transgressions far outweigh the cliché cachet that is, frankly, well deserved. The woman is famous for being famous. Let that sink in for a second. She is a damned unsolvable paradox that Einstein himself couldn't solve. She is because she is. If that by itself isn't reason enough to label her a witch and roast her on a pyre, you're a much more understanding person than I am. Then came the sex tape where she didn't even try to have sex because she was busy vamping at the camera. If you are so self-absorbed that you are using your own sex tape for face time, then you are a useless human being. I'm not even going to get into the arrests, jail time, and faux repentance. One can only spend so much time thinking about this woman before your brain shuts down, much like hers.

Offender #2 – Kim Kardashian. Here is a person that is famous because she has a big ass and a sex tape. Are we sensing a trend here, folks? Ms. Kardashian parlayed her sex tape with rapper Ray J into a reality television series on the E! Network that features her inane exploits and those of her family, including (I shit you not) stepdad Bruce Jenner. If her association with Olympic gold medalist and Botox enthusiast Jenner wasn't enough to put her on our list, her birth father was one of the high-priced attorneys who defended alleged murderer and alleged celebrity O.J. Simpson. So Ms. Kardashin hits the rare trifecta of uselessness – sex tape, reality show, and more interesting (though also more pitiful) relatives.

Offender #3 – “Sex and the City”. I know that this TV show and subsequent movie wasn't intended for people like me, because I have a penis. That being said, as a nosy busybody with a forum, I am as qualified as anyone else to pass judgment on what I see. The effect of “Sex and the City” is to teach women that it's better to be a catty, bitter whore than, well, anything else. It is porn for WASPy, middle-aged hausfraus with poor self-esteem. It perpetuates the stereotype that there is no obscenely priced pair of shoes or handbag that can't soothe the savage beast that is Modern Woman. What “The Golden Girls" is for seniors eating cheesecake and talking out their problems, “Sex and the City” is to women slutting around and having one night stands with men who are, quite frankly, out of their matronly league. And eventually talking out their problems. Just typing about the characters on the show is giving me a urinary-tract infection.

If there is something to be learned from these sad cases, it's that in the pursuit of equality and justice, women are no better off now than they were before they got the vote. For every inspirational, strong female role model, there are a thousand Paris Hiltons, Kim Kardashians and Carrie Bradshaws putting their cause back a hundred years. To them, being a modern woman is based on your commercial appeal, your credit limit, and the ability to sleep with a hundred men and not be called a slut. It will only get worse until we stop watching. Turn off the TV and go buy something matronly, with lots of unappealing ruffles. Go out on a date and not sleep with the guy just because he has a nice car. Try and look like you are actually into having sex on your sex tape. Only then will your foremothers be proud of you, and a proud and healthy gynocracy be restored.

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