This Editorial is Partison Politics

Written by Chad Messer

Monday, 04 August 2008

First things first: Thanks for sticking with us. We know that after a hot and heavy start, the updates have slowed to a trickle lately, and here’s why. Steve and Bryan are your two tech guys, and they are busier than one-armed paper hangers. They are working on getting the Comical News Now website to look better and run smoother so that hopefully we can all have an active community sometime soon, on top of coming up with content for the site. I’m Chad, and my only job is to come up with content. I’ve had some emergency family issues that have kept me away from the keyboard for a few weeks, but we’re all back now and updates will be coming on a regular basis again. Now, on with the editorial.

This editorial is bound to ruffle some feathers, because it’s rare that Comical News Now gets political. Sure, we have stories that lean one way or the other, but it has always been in fun and we have tried to hit both sides of the aisle somewhat equally. With this editorial, I’m going to let my liberal freak flag fly. This is my opinion, and it is covered by the First Amendment just like yours is. I am going to buzz like an angry bee here, but I’m not going into specifics on the issues this time. There are other web sites out there that do a much more complete job of showing Senator John McCain’s sins. Just watch an episode of Countdown with Keith Olbermann and you should be up to speed. If not, feel free to drink the Fox News kool-aid until your pee turns purple. Either way, it doesn’t change the screed that is to follow.

Let me start out by saying that I do not envy Senator John McCain. Just imagine how hard it would be to run for the presidency if your pants were constantly on fire. On fire, you say? Yes. Because John McCain is a liar. He lies through his lie-hole every time he gets a microphone in his face. You know it, and I know it, so let’s keep the harrumphs to a minimum. Every campaign ad, every stump speech, every town hall, they’re all built on a house of un-truth and mis-truth. The man who said that he was going to run a clean campaign deliberately mischaracterizes his opponent’s statements and voting record. He fills his campaign ads and literature with both overt and covert racism.

So, in the interest of helping out Senator McCain clean up his campaign I’ve come up with some talking points for him to consider.

Senator McCain: You’re never going to be elected president by bitching that your opponent is more popular than you. It’s called the popular vote for a reason, asshole.

Senator McCain: Please stop referencing the “maverick” that you were in the 2000 election. That man is long dead, if he ever truly existed at all. You’re a puppet of the ultraconservative Republican Fourth Reich, and to pretend otherwise makes a fool out of you and the people who once trusted and believed in you.

Senator McCain: If you want people to stop calling you a racist, you really should try to stop acting like a racist. Just sayin’.

Senator McCain: For further reference, you can’t make a racist argument and then claim that the opposition is playing the race card when he defends himself. That is a real douchebag thing to do.

Senator McCain: Just because you were a prisoner of war and an American hero doesn’t mean that we owe you any benefit of the doubt, nor does it make you an expert on foreign policy. It makes you an expert on being a prisoner of war, and nothing else.

Senator McCain: Along those lines, should a man who was tortured mercilessly by the North Vietnamese be supporting the mad-on for torture that the Bush administration has been swinging like a club? Shouldn’t you know better?

Senator McCain: If you promise to run a positive, honorable campaign, it might be a good idea to, you know, have something positive to say, and to stop being dishonorable to yourself and your country.

Senator McCain: You do know you’re married to the White Queen from “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” movie, don’t you? Seriously, she’s a MILF, if the “F” stood for “Fire Out of a Cannon”. I bet you a dollar that she can stick her finger into a glass of water and it instantaneously freezes.

Senator McCain: The only way to make the race card unavailable in this campaign is for you to show up to the debates in blackface. Seriously, it’s a good idea and you should totally do it. You’ll get news coverage for days.

Senator McCain: Stop whining about the news media not giving you the same coverage as they do Senator Obama. This is the first time that an African-American has been a major-party candidate. We have rich white assholes run for president ALL THE TIME. Either shut up about it or find something substantive or interesting to say.

I have more, but you cats have notoriously short attention spans. Feel free to give Senator McCain some pointers in the forum below, or come up with some for Senator Obama. Have a field day, because election day is coming up soon and you need to figure out where you stand.

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