US Megachurches Worship New MegaJesus

Written by Chad Messer

Thursday, 07 August 2008

US Megachurches Worship New MegaJesus He’s 100 feet tall. He has super strength and can leap a tall steeple in a single bound. He’s MegaaJesus, and he’s here to kick Old Scratch back into the abyss.

MegaJesus is the brainchild of celebrity pastors Joel Osteen, Rick Warren, TD Jakes, Joyce Meyer and John Hagee. In a rare effort to consolidate the power of disparate American Protestant megachurches, the 5 preachers decided to build a 100 foot tall robot that will fight crime and be the focal point of a new streamlined American religion.

“Our world is going to Hell in the proverbial handbasket,” said Joel Osteen, pastor at the 40,000 member Lakewood Church, “and it is high time that we band together and fight Satanism, Liberalism, and Non-Replublicanism. What better way to do that than with a giant robot?”

The two-story stigmatamaton, for lack of a better term, is comprised of five smaller robots, each piloted by one of the five celebrity pastors. Warren, Jakes, Meyers and Hagee each pilot robots that resemble Matthew, Mark, Luke and John respectively, and these become the arms and legs of the larger construct. Joel Osteen pilots a giant robotic dove that transforms into the torso and head.

“Each of us house the individual robots in our megachurces,” said Rick Warren, who is based out of the Saddleback Church, which claims 20,000 members. “When a crisis of faith arises that can’t be solved with our false piety and inherent hypocrisy, we form MegaJesus and come to save the day.”

Two members of the MegaJesus Force stand apart from the others. Bestselling author Joyce Meyer is the only woman while African-American superstar TD Jakes is the only minority. When asked how there came to be representatives of two demographics that have traditionally been shat upon by modern American Christianity, we received no answer, because those are the only two members of the MegaJesus Force that aren’t allowed to speak to the press. Or anyone else.

“This is only the beginning for us,” said noted minister and racist anti-Semite John Hagee. “I’m sure the followers of Islam have plans for a Motorized Mohammed and I fear the Jews are already building a Hydraulic Hymie, or something like that. We will right the nation’s religious wrongs because as we know the Religious Right is never wrong. Go MegaJesus Force!”

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