Who Does Constipation Hurt?... Everyone

Written by Bryan Hackney

Wednesday, 02 July 2008

Richmond, VA – Last night, police responded to a disturbance at Phil’s Joint, a local watering hole, where they discovered an enraged man waving a gun at innocent patrons. When asked to cease and desist, the man responded with “I won’t stop until I go.”

Apparently, the agitated gunman had been suffering from an inflamed sphincter which prevented him from enjoying a good poop, or even having one for that matter. His inability to fire a torpedo led to extreme depression, rage and paranoia.

“All I could think was he had fecal poisoning,” said Sherriff James Paxton. “I tried looking it up but couldn’t find it in any medical dictionary. I’m pretty sure it’s real though. How else do you explain it?”

Witnesses claim the suspect was forcing people to bend over their tables where he would threaten to send hot metal up their Hershey highway.

“I didn’t know what to do,” said Thomas Clark, local barfly. “I’d had a lot to drink, but no amount of alcohol can take that kind of fright away. I felt like I was about to be violated.”
Only one person was injured in the engagement. The gunman accidentally fired his gun upon becoming overly excited about a fart which, according to witnesses, sounded wet. The bullet struck the victim in the pinky toe, splattering it on his girlfriend’s shoe. The suspect apologized continuously as the police rushed in, but the perp refused to surrender.

The standoff lasted for over an hour. Finally, police coached the man into giving up by promising a cleansing enema. While he was skeptical of its ability to cure his problem, he was willing to try.

“That was horrible,” said Sherriff Paxton, “the smell coming from the room they flushed him in made me sick. He was farting and squirting for hours. I didn’t know that much crap could be in a person.”

According to police, the suspect has been cooperative since apprehension. One has to wonder if he will claim temporary insanity due to fecal poisoning.

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